My eyes are stinging.
You know how after you've cried for a good amount of time, your eyes have this burning sensation and they feel swollen?
That's exactly how mine feel.
Maybe my tears are invisible.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Animal Channel
Perhaps I should just post my ridiculous life-like terrifying nightmares.
Here's last night's.
They're very symbolic, I think.
I awake in my new surroundings. This house is not my home, nor is it anywhere close to recognizable. Suddenly, I’m aware that something is wrong. I go to where everyone is gathered; my front door. There are cops there as well, examining the issue. There are nails jaggedly pierced in the wooden door. It looks as if someone took a gun loaded with nails and shot randomly at the entry. There is also a butter knife through the peephole. Glass is shattered everywhere. I feel violated and fearful for a place that I don’t even know. I walk outside with my friend, Amanda, and realize that this house, this house that I know not of except for that it’s mine, is plotted within a prison yard. I look around at the convicts dressed in eccentric orange and the frightened guards and finally comprehend that it’s probable that no one knows of this place. The aged men in the jumpsuits have a look in their eyes that only explain that they are deprived of any necessity. I grasp the reality of how dangerous the situation is. My house is within the confines of a prison, a prison that no one is aware of.
Abruptly, I hear screams. Amanda and I turn our heads in the direction of the yelps and see a short, naked, chubby, African-American woman not too far from us clawing at the ground. It’s painful to see the image. There are tattoos on her arm and leg. She is struggling underneath a convict whose eyes are racing with adrenaline. It’s like watching the Animal Channel where a lion is on the hunt for the weakened elk. A guard is already trying to advance to help the poor out-of-place woman. Amanda and I are eyeing this scene in horror. The man who is overcome with his inner desires unexpectedly starts laughing and yelling in a raw voice. The other convicts suddenly look toward him in surprise as if they didn’t know the situation was happening only feet away from them. I look closer and see that there is blood everywhere. It seems to be coming from the struggling woman. I have this dead feeling that she isn’t going to survive. The scent of her blood is making all of the other convicts excited. I see their eyes changing before me. They all begin to press forward. The guard tries to help and I see Amanda pick up a wrap of electrical cords. I didn’t notice until now that they seem to be hooked up to these cords that she’s grabbing a hold of. I now understand her actions. She’s holding the cords to hold back the convicts that are rushing toward the woman. I also pick some up and most of them turn to look toward us. They give us vicious stares but don’t do anything.
Their reaction shocks me. We’re unsecured young women, there are hardly any guards to stop them and yet they back away; still eyeing the wounded woman.
I then wake up.
Here's last night's.
They're very symbolic, I think.
I awake in my new surroundings. This house is not my home, nor is it anywhere close to recognizable. Suddenly, I’m aware that something is wrong. I go to where everyone is gathered; my front door. There are cops there as well, examining the issue. There are nails jaggedly pierced in the wooden door. It looks as if someone took a gun loaded with nails and shot randomly at the entry. There is also a butter knife through the peephole. Glass is shattered everywhere. I feel violated and fearful for a place that I don’t even know. I walk outside with my friend, Amanda, and realize that this house, this house that I know not of except for that it’s mine, is plotted within a prison yard. I look around at the convicts dressed in eccentric orange and the frightened guards and finally comprehend that it’s probable that no one knows of this place. The aged men in the jumpsuits have a look in their eyes that only explain that they are deprived of any necessity. I grasp the reality of how dangerous the situation is. My house is within the confines of a prison, a prison that no one is aware of.
Abruptly, I hear screams. Amanda and I turn our heads in the direction of the yelps and see a short, naked, chubby, African-American woman not too far from us clawing at the ground. It’s painful to see the image. There are tattoos on her arm and leg. She is struggling underneath a convict whose eyes are racing with adrenaline. It’s like watching the Animal Channel where a lion is on the hunt for the weakened elk. A guard is already trying to advance to help the poor out-of-place woman. Amanda and I are eyeing this scene in horror. The man who is overcome with his inner desires unexpectedly starts laughing and yelling in a raw voice. The other convicts suddenly look toward him in surprise as if they didn’t know the situation was happening only feet away from them. I look closer and see that there is blood everywhere. It seems to be coming from the struggling woman. I have this dead feeling that she isn’t going to survive. The scent of her blood is making all of the other convicts excited. I see their eyes changing before me. They all begin to press forward. The guard tries to help and I see Amanda pick up a wrap of electrical cords. I didn’t notice until now that they seem to be hooked up to these cords that she’s grabbing a hold of. I now understand her actions. She’s holding the cords to hold back the convicts that are rushing toward the woman. I also pick some up and most of them turn to look toward us. They give us vicious stares but don’t do anything.
Their reaction shocks me. We’re unsecured young women, there are hardly any guards to stop them and yet they back away; still eyeing the wounded woman.
I then wake up.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Not As In The Disease
I feel a little ridiculous.
In the last couple of hours, I've been able to work out and yet come home to enjoy the company of two friends:
Ben & Jerry.
I kind of just canceled them out, I guess.
I'm rather compulsive. If I want something, I don't think about results or consequences, I just do it. It's terrible actually.
Any who. Different subject.
I feel like I have different worlds or realms that I tend to lose myself in.
1. There's this dance floor and I'm the only one on it. Or there are multiple people around me. I'm losing myself in the music and all that can speak for me is my body.
2. All there is a dark corner and all I can do is wallow.
3. I'm basking in the warmth of the sun. There's nothing that can keep me down.
4. I'm walking down a red carpet and all eyes are on me.
5. I'm stuck in my bedroom listening to these seriously annoyingly loud people upstairs.
Oh wait. That last one is actually happening.
Maybe it's just bi-polar disorder.
I hear that cancer's tend are more prone to having that kind of illness (what with all the changing moods and emotions).
Cancer as in the astrological sign.
Some think it's bogus. I think it's kind of rad.
I'm too tired to think.
Later,
F@ith.
In the last couple of hours, I've been able to work out and yet come home to enjoy the company of two friends:
Ben & Jerry.
I kind of just canceled them out, I guess.
I'm rather compulsive. If I want something, I don't think about results or consequences, I just do it. It's terrible actually.
Any who. Different subject.
I feel like I have different worlds or realms that I tend to lose myself in.
1. There's this dance floor and I'm the only one on it. Or there are multiple people around me. I'm losing myself in the music and all that can speak for me is my body.
2. All there is a dark corner and all I can do is wallow.
3. I'm basking in the warmth of the sun. There's nothing that can keep me down.
4. I'm walking down a red carpet and all eyes are on me.
5. I'm stuck in my bedroom listening to these seriously annoyingly loud people upstairs.
Oh wait. That last one is actually happening.
Maybe it's just bi-polar disorder.
I hear that cancer's tend are more prone to having that kind of illness (what with all the changing moods and emotions).
Cancer as in the astrological sign.
Some think it's bogus. I think it's kind of rad.
I'm too tired to think.
Later,
F@ith.
Friday, July 3, 2009
My Bucket List
I think I'm getting back to where I want to be.
I've quit bad habits (well...most of them anyways), I'm writing a lot more (still not my most amazing work), I'm speaking my mind (to people who will listen) and making better decisions (sorta).
Baby steps, right?
I think I'm at a point in my life, where I question everything. I'm a junior in college. That statement rattles my brain a little. I'm pretty sure last time I checked I was just starting high school. Too many things are happening abnormally fast. Where did my childhood go?
(So basically there was a three hour intermission and I don't have the slightest clue where I was headed before...so on to new subjects!)
I've decided I want a new ambition list. Things that I will write down and then probably forget and be really upset with myself once I see it again and realize how much I actually did get done. That was a really long run-on.
Let the list begin!
My New Ambitions:
1. Marriage is not until after college, after a successful career and after I've done all that I can as a single woman.
2. Visit as many countries as possible. (These are mandatory: Australia, Egypt, Greece, Peru and Japan)
3. I must live in, at least, five different cities.
4. Try being a temp for three months.
5. Write a novel and try to publish it.
6. Fall madly and deeply in love more than once. (Even if the other person doesn't know) (No stalking)
7. Live in Los Angeles for a year and audition for every casting call (This city can be included for number three of this list)
8. Buy something ridiculously expensive.
9. Skydive
10. Get over your fear of sharks and snakes
11. Learn how to play an instrument (Nothing lame like the flute)
12. Sing karaoke (in front of actual people)
13. Get stupidly drunk in Vegas, but refrain from getting hitched
14. Coach some little league team
15. Plant a garden (Don't give up after a week either)
16. Have kids (or adopt) (or both)
17. Paint something you can actually hang and not be ashamed of
18. Tell someone off for their innate actions and then hug them
19. Design a dress and make it
20. Actually accomplish half of this list and do not whine.
I will probably add to this list as I continue writing in this blog.
There's too much in this world that I want to experience and achieve.
F@ith.
I've quit bad habits (well...most of them anyways), I'm writing a lot more (still not my most amazing work), I'm speaking my mind (to people who will listen) and making better decisions (sorta).
Baby steps, right?
I think I'm at a point in my life, where I question everything. I'm a junior in college. That statement rattles my brain a little. I'm pretty sure last time I checked I was just starting high school. Too many things are happening abnormally fast. Where did my childhood go?
(So basically there was a three hour intermission and I don't have the slightest clue where I was headed before...so on to new subjects!)
I've decided I want a new ambition list. Things that I will write down and then probably forget and be really upset with myself once I see it again and realize how much I actually did get done. That was a really long run-on.
Let the list begin!
My New Ambitions:
1. Marriage is not until after college, after a successful career and after I've done all that I can as a single woman.
2. Visit as many countries as possible. (These are mandatory: Australia, Egypt, Greece, Peru and Japan)
3. I must live in, at least, five different cities.
4. Try being a temp for three months.
5. Write a novel and try to publish it.
6. Fall madly and deeply in love more than once. (Even if the other person doesn't know) (No stalking)
7. Live in Los Angeles for a year and audition for every casting call (This city can be included for number three of this list)
8. Buy something ridiculously expensive.
9. Skydive
10. Get over your fear of sharks and snakes
11. Learn how to play an instrument (Nothing lame like the flute)
12. Sing karaoke (in front of actual people)
13. Get stupidly drunk in Vegas, but refrain from getting hitched
14. Coach some little league team
15. Plant a garden (Don't give up after a week either)
16. Have kids (or adopt) (or both)
17. Paint something you can actually hang and not be ashamed of
18. Tell someone off for their innate actions and then hug them
19. Design a dress and make it
20. Actually accomplish half of this list and do not whine.
I will probably add to this list as I continue writing in this blog.
There's too much in this world that I want to experience and achieve.
F@ith.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Death to the Loud Orangutans.
My eyelids are heavy.
I've heard that women are more prone to having sleeping disorders.
I find myself in this exact position each night. I'm always listening to music and writing.
It's hard to fall asleep when your upstairs neighbors are stomping around or playing one wild game of twister. Wish I could join them.
Have you ever felt exhausted but found you haven't even accomplished anything in a while? I have a million things I need to get done and yet somehow with all the time that I have, I don't finish them.
Did I mention my neighbors are loud orangutans?
I feel like I can't sleep until I get all of this out of my system. My heart actually aches. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's all new to me.
Just a side note:
You know what I'd be exceptionally great at? Creating plotlines and characters for sappy romance movies. I never realized, but I'm a diehard hopeless romantic.
Which doesn't really make sense, because right now I'm not even sure I believe in the idea of marriage.
Or perhaps it makes perfect sense, because what if I'm rooting for finding that one person who makes your outlook on life clear and understandable? What if I'm just waiting for that one person who doesn't complete you, but is able to compliment the person you already are? What if all we need is continuous passion and laughter? What if I'm not okay with the idea of settling down with one person, because there will be uncertainty of whether or not it'll lead to heartbreak and deception?
I just reread all of this and I can't even figure myself out. Maybe I'm too tired to even grasp any kind of intelligent concept. I'm not able to even comprehend my own opinions and make sense of them.
I'm going to try and get sleep. This is ridiculous.
F@ith.
OMG. I'm going to get a broom and pound on the roof until they quit it!!!!
I've heard that women are more prone to having sleeping disorders.
I find myself in this exact position each night. I'm always listening to music and writing.
It's hard to fall asleep when your upstairs neighbors are stomping around or playing one wild game of twister. Wish I could join them.
Have you ever felt exhausted but found you haven't even accomplished anything in a while? I have a million things I need to get done and yet somehow with all the time that I have, I don't finish them.
Did I mention my neighbors are loud orangutans?
I feel like I can't sleep until I get all of this out of my system. My heart actually aches. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's all new to me.
Just a side note:
You know what I'd be exceptionally great at? Creating plotlines and characters for sappy romance movies. I never realized, but I'm a diehard hopeless romantic.
Which doesn't really make sense, because right now I'm not even sure I believe in the idea of marriage.
Or perhaps it makes perfect sense, because what if I'm rooting for finding that one person who makes your outlook on life clear and understandable? What if I'm just waiting for that one person who doesn't complete you, but is able to compliment the person you already are? What if all we need is continuous passion and laughter? What if I'm not okay with the idea of settling down with one person, because there will be uncertainty of whether or not it'll lead to heartbreak and deception?
I just reread all of this and I can't even figure myself out. Maybe I'm too tired to even grasp any kind of intelligent concept. I'm not able to even comprehend my own opinions and make sense of them.
I'm going to try and get sleep. This is ridiculous.
F@ith.
OMG. I'm going to get a broom and pound on the roof until they quit it!!!!
Wrong and Right?
I'm confused.
Actually really confused.
Perhaps I'm just creating these signs that I'm seeing.
This tension.
Maybe it's just the fact that it's unknown area. Something I'm not familiar with.
I'm in awe.
I'm a little scared.
I shouldn't be feeling this way.
Actually really confused.
Perhaps I'm just creating these signs that I'm seeing.
This tension.
Maybe it's just the fact that it's unknown area. Something I'm not familiar with.
I'm in awe.
I'm a little scared.
I shouldn't be feeling this way.
Love Again.
Okay so this next statement will probably ward off readers, if I had any in the first place.
I just watched He's Just Not That Into You.
Talk about heartwrenching and stressful. I've never been on such a emotional rollercoaster. If you haven't seen it, it's basically a connection of people who have stories of love, not wanting to settle, misunderstandings..etc.
I think what got under my skin (as well as Lucy's) was that we had been through those experiences and we're probably going to be seeing these kinds of situations in the future. The mind games and rules when it comes to dating, the unsettling feeling of settling, the wonder of whether or not you'll fall in love with "the one".
I know it's bogus to a lot of people, but everyone else is consumed within this game. It's like you are either too straightforward and come off too strong, or you're playing these ridiculous cat and mouse games and won't get anywhere. There's never a decent middle or at least from what I know.
Truthfully, I understand this is just a movie, but aren't movies just representations of reality (I mean they should be). There are sometimes happy endings (rarely), and there is the heartbreak and the process of moving on.
More and more each day, I find myself thinking about marriage. Thinking that maybe it's just not for everyone. Especially someone so indecisive as I. The idea of forever is overwhelming. What if one day you find yourself in a 20+ year marriage and suddenly meet someone who is absolutely perfect and instantly understands you...and makes you feel...
As Drew Barrymore says in the movie, "What if you meet the love of your life, are you supposed to let them pass you by?"
It's just too much to think about. Maybe I just need to live and let things come as they go. Then again, I am Faith Hill and I don't usually just stand by. I have to take action and obviously...ramble like a crazy person...
F@ith.
I just watched He's Just Not That Into You.
Talk about heartwrenching and stressful. I've never been on such a emotional rollercoaster. If you haven't seen it, it's basically a connection of people who have stories of love, not wanting to settle, misunderstandings..etc.
I think what got under my skin (as well as Lucy's) was that we had been through those experiences and we're probably going to be seeing these kinds of situations in the future. The mind games and rules when it comes to dating, the unsettling feeling of settling, the wonder of whether or not you'll fall in love with "the one".
I know it's bogus to a lot of people, but everyone else is consumed within this game. It's like you are either too straightforward and come off too strong, or you're playing these ridiculous cat and mouse games and won't get anywhere. There's never a decent middle or at least from what I know.
Truthfully, I understand this is just a movie, but aren't movies just representations of reality (I mean they should be). There are sometimes happy endings (rarely), and there is the heartbreak and the process of moving on.
More and more each day, I find myself thinking about marriage. Thinking that maybe it's just not for everyone. Especially someone so indecisive as I. The idea of forever is overwhelming. What if one day you find yourself in a 20+ year marriage and suddenly meet someone who is absolutely perfect and instantly understands you...and makes you feel...
As Drew Barrymore says in the movie, "What if you meet the love of your life, are you supposed to let them pass you by?"
It's just too much to think about. Maybe I just need to live and let things come as they go. Then again, I am Faith Hill and I don't usually just stand by. I have to take action and obviously...ramble like a crazy person...
F@ith.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
