Aching

I hate that my emotions are fluctuating so quickly and so easily.

I told myself I was going to be okay. I'm not.
I said that I was going to focus on everything else. I haven't.
I screamed that it was all going to work out. It hasn't.

I don't know how to feel right now.

I don't know what's more upsetting, the fact that I feel so confused and hurt or that almost every sentence of this post began with "I".

Learning to Breathe

What do you do when you need to find yourself, but part of yourself left to find himself?

It's probably pathetic to say that someone else is a piece of me. I don't mean that they complete me, but that without them, I'm gouged. I'm left without a lung. Without a vital organ.

I can go on, but I'll be temporarily disabled.
I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but sometimes I find myself not breathing. I have to force my mouth open and suck in air, because I'm in shock that my body wasn't fully functioning subconsciously.

I keep telling myself that this is what we want. No scratch that. What we need. This is what I need. But not necessarily what I want.

I don't know how long this will last for. I don't know how long I will last for.

I know I'm strong. I know I'm capable of living, but currently it's a difficult task.

When did something so regular and routine become so hard to grasp on. I guess I did tighten my hold and still found nothing once I opened my hands.

It's all out of my control and I guess that's what scares me the most. A part of me feels abandoned, alone, exhilarated, scared, so scared, unprepared...

All of this is consuming me. Drowning me. Making me feel like I'm breathing through a straw.
It's not just emotional. It's taken a toll on me physically.

My heart aches and my lungs aren't working properly.

Love.

In A Daze

What am I doing with my life?

I want to be done with school.
I want the adventure to begin.


I'm so tired.

Sting

My eyes are stinging.
You know how after you've cried for a good amount of time, your eyes have this burning sensation and they feel swollen?
That's exactly how mine feel.
Maybe my tears are invisible.

Animal Channel

Perhaps I should just post my ridiculous life-like terrifying nightmares.
Here's last night's.

They're very symbolic, I think.

I awake in my new surroundings. This house is not my home, nor is it anywhere close to recognizable. Suddenly, I’m aware that something is wrong. I go to where everyone is gathered; my front door. There are cops there as well, examining the issue. There are nails jaggedly pierced in the wooden door. It looks as if someone took a gun loaded with nails and shot randomly at the entry. There is also a butter knife through the peephole. Glass is shattered everywhere. I feel violated and fearful for a place that I don’t even know. I walk outside with my friend, Amanda, and realize that this house, this house that I know not of except for that it’s mine, is plotted within a prison yard. I look around at the convicts dressed in eccentric orange and the frightened guards and finally comprehend that it’s probable that no one knows of this place. The aged men in the jumpsuits have a look in their eyes that only explain that they are deprived of any necessity. I grasp the reality of how dangerous the situation is. My house is within the confines of a prison, a prison that no one is aware of.
Abruptly, I hear screams. Amanda and I turn our heads in the direction of the yelps and see a short, naked, chubby, African-American woman not too far from us clawing at the ground. It’s painful to see the image. There are tattoos on her arm and leg. She is struggling underneath a convict whose eyes are racing with adrenaline. It’s like watching the Animal Channel where a lion is on the hunt for the weakened elk. A guard is already trying to advance to help the poor out-of-place woman. Amanda and I are eyeing this scene in horror. The man who is overcome with his inner desires unexpectedly starts laughing and yelling in a raw voice. The other convicts suddenly look toward him in surprise as if they didn’t know the situation was happening only feet away from them. I look closer and see that there is blood everywhere. It seems to be coming from the struggling woman. I have this dead feeling that she isn’t going to survive. The scent of her blood is making all of the other convicts excited. I see their eyes changing before me. They all begin to press forward. The guard tries to help and I see Amanda pick up a wrap of electrical cords. I didn’t notice until now that they seem to be hooked up to these cords that she’s grabbing a hold of. I now understand her actions. She’s holding the cords to hold back the convicts that are rushing toward the woman. I also pick some up and most of them turn to look toward us. They give us vicious stares but don’t do anything.
Their reaction shocks me. We’re unsecured young women, there are hardly any guards to stop them and yet they back away; still eyeing the wounded woman.
I then wake up.

Not As In The Disease

I feel a little ridiculous.
In the last couple of hours, I've been able to work out and yet come home to enjoy the company of two friends:
Ben & Jerry.

I kind of just canceled them out, I guess.

I'm rather compulsive. If I want something, I don't think about results or consequences, I just do it. It's terrible actually.

Any who. Different subject.
I feel like I have different worlds or realms that I tend to lose myself in.

1. There's this dance floor and I'm the only one on it. Or there are multiple people around me. I'm losing myself in the music and all that can speak for me is my body.

2. All there is a dark corner and all I can do is wallow.

3. I'm basking in the warmth of the sun. There's nothing that can keep me down.

4. I'm walking down a red carpet and all eyes are on me.

5. I'm stuck in my bedroom listening to these seriously annoyingly loud people upstairs.

Oh wait. That last one is actually happening.

Maybe it's just bi-polar disorder.
I hear that cancer's tend are more prone to having that kind of illness (what with all the changing moods and emotions).

Cancer as in the astrological sign.
Some think it's bogus. I think it's kind of rad.

I'm too tired to think.

Later,
F@ith.

My Bucket List

I think I'm getting back to where I want to be.
I've quit bad habits (well...most of them anyways), I'm writing a lot more (still not my most amazing work), I'm speaking my mind (to people who will listen) and making better decisions (sorta).

Baby steps, right?

I think I'm at a point in my life, where I question everything. I'm a junior in college. That statement rattles my brain a little. I'm pretty sure last time I checked I was just starting high school. Too many things are happening abnormally fast. Where did my childhood go?

(So basically there was a three hour intermission and I don't have the slightest clue where I was headed before...so on to new subjects!)

I've decided I want a new ambition list. Things that I will write down and then probably forget and be really upset with myself once I see it again and realize how much I actually did get done. That was a really long run-on.

Let the list begin!

My New Ambitions:

1. Marriage is not until after college, after a successful career and after I've done all that I can as a single woman.
2. Visit as many countries as possible. (These are mandatory: Australia, Egypt, Greece, Peru and Japan)
3. I must live in, at least, five different cities.
4. Try being a temp for three months.
5. Write a novel and try to publish it.
6. Fall madly and deeply in love more than once. (Even if the other person doesn't know) (No stalking)
7. Live in Los Angeles for a year and audition for every casting call (This city can be included for number three of this list)
8. Buy something ridiculously expensive.
9. Skydive
10. Get over your fear of sharks and snakes
11. Learn how to play an instrument (Nothing lame like the flute)
12. Sing karaoke (in front of actual people)
13. Get stupidly drunk in Vegas, but refrain from getting hitched
14. Coach some little league team
15. Plant a garden (Don't give up after a week either)
16. Have kids (or adopt) (or both)
17. Paint something you can actually hang and not be ashamed of
18. Tell someone off for their innate actions and then hug them
19. Design a dress and make it
20. Actually accomplish half of this list and do not whine.

I will probably add to this list as I continue writing in this blog.
There's too much in this world that I want to experience and achieve.

F@ith.